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THE   CYNIC'S 
RULES   OF   CONDUCT 


The 

Cynic's  Rules  of 

Conduct 


BY 
CHESTER  FIELD,  Jr. 


PHILADELPHIA 


HENRY   ALTEMUS   COMPANY 


Copyright,  1905,  by 
Henry  Altemus 

Entered  at   Stationers'  Hall 


THE       CYNIC'S 
RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

GO  to  the  Aunt,  thou 
sluggard,  and  offer  her 
ten  off  on  your  legacy  for  spot 
cash. 

pHE  difference  between  a  bad 
break    and    a  faux  pas  in- 
dicates the  kind  of  society   you 
are  in. 


(7) 


2067304 


TH E      CYNIC'S 

WHEN    alone   in  Paris 
behave  as  if  all  the  world 
were  your  mother-in-law. 


f  8) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

REMEMBER,  too,  that 
perhaps  you  are  not  the 
sort  of  husband  that  Father 
used  to  make. 

*V7"OU   may  refer  to  her  cheeks 
as   roses,  but  the  man   who 
sends  her  American  beauties  will 
leave  you  at  the  post. 


(9) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

A  woman    should    dress    to 
make   men  covetous  and 
women  envious. 


(IO) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

EVEN    Cupid     crosses     his 
fingers   at  what   he   hears 
by  moonlight. 

AFTER    marriage     you    may 
speak   of  her   temper;    but 
during  courtship  you  had  better 
refer  to  it  as  temperament. 


do 


THE      CYNIC'S 


w 


HEN  dinners  entice  thee 
consent  thou  not. 


(12) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

THE  position  of  the  hostess 
should  be  at  the  doorway 
of  the  drawing-room  to  receive 
her  guests.  The  position  of  her 
husband  should  be  at  his  office 
desk  making  the  money  to  pay 
for  the  blow-out. 

TT  is  safer  to  do   business  with 
jailbirds    than  with  relatives. 


(13) 


THE       CYNIC'S 

DISCUSS  family  scandals 
before  the  servants.  We 
should  always  be  kind  to  the 
lower  classes. 


(14) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

WHEN  children  paw  a 
visitor's  gown  with  their 
candied  fingers  the  proper  ob- 
servation for  the  mother  to 
make  is:  "My  children  are  so 
affectionate." 

DE  PRIM  AND  your  servants 
before  your  guests.     It  shows 
your  authority. 


(15) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

THE  chief  duty  of  the  best 
man  is  to  prevent  the 
groom  from  escaping  before  the 
ceremony. 


(16) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

IN  marching  up  the  aisle  to 
the  altar  the  bride  carries 
either  a  bunch  of  flowers  or  a 
prayer  book.  Her  father  carries 
a  bunch  of  money  or  a  cheque 
book. 

(~)N   returning  from  the   altar 
be  careful  not  to  step  on  the 
bride's    train.       There's   trouble 
enough  ahead  without  that. 


(17) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

DON'T      blow     your     own 
horn   when   you   can  get 
some  one  else  to  blow  it  for  you. 


(  18  ) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

KEEP  your  servants  in  good 
humor,  if  you  can  —  but 
keep  your  servants. 

yOUR  conduct  in  an  elevator 
should  be  governed  by  cir- 
cumstances. Should  the  lady's 
husband  remove  his  hat  keep 
yours  on.  Should  he  fail  to 
remove  it,  take  your  hat  off. 
This  will  embarrass  him. 


(19) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

NEVER  put  in  the  collec- 
tion box  less  than  ten  per 
cent,  of  the  amount  you  tip 
your  waiter  at  luncheon. 


(20) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

y^T  afternoon  funerals  wear 
JLjL  a  frock  coat  and  top  hat. 
Should  the  funeral  be  your  own, 
the   hat   may  be  dispensed  with. 

TT   is   never  in    good    taste   to 
indulge  in  personal   pleasant- 
ries, such  as  referring  to  a  lady's 
artificial   teeth  as   her  collection 
of  porcelains. 


(21) 


THE       CYNIC'S 

BEWARE  of  the  man  who 
never  buys  a  gold  brick. 
The  chances  are  that  he  sells 
them. 


(22) 


rt 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

INDORSE   checks  about  two 
inches  from  the  end.    Don't 
indorse  notes  at  all. 

T^TO  house  should  be  without 
its  guest-chamber.  Besides 
giving  one's  home  an  air  of 
hospitality,  it  makes  an  admirable 
store-room  for  dilapidated  furni- 
ture  and    unspeakable   pictures. 


(23) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

THERE   is   only  one  worse 
break  than  asking  a  woman 
her   age:     it   is   looking   incred 
ulous  when  she  tells  it. 


(24) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

IT  is  not  good  form  to  re- 
hearse your  domestic  diffi- 
culties in  public,  but  it  is  mighty 
interesting  to  your  auditors. 

T^TEVER  leave   a  guest   alone 

for  a  moment.     Force  your 

entertainment    upon    him    even 

if  you  have  to   use  chloroform. 


(35) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

IF   you  would   have   a   serene 
old    age    never    woo    a   girl 
who  keeps  a  diary. 


(»6) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

WHEN  you  are  inclined  to 
be  haughty,  remember 
that  a  cook  in  the  kitchen  is 
worth  two  in  the  employment 
office. 

A    chef  is  a  cook  who  gets  a 
L  salary  instead  of  wages. 


(37) 


THE       CYNIC'S 

IT  is  better  form  for  a  bride 
to  take  her  wedding  journey 
with  the  groom  than  with  the 
coachman. 


(28) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

UNDER  no  circumstances 
associate  with  persons  who 
wear  detachable  cuffs.  Such 
men  are  usually  trying  to  get 
rich  at  the  expense  of  the 
washerwoman. 

TIT  HEN  crossing  the  Atlantic 
no    gentleman    will    rock 
the   boat. 


(39) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

TAKE  care  of    the  luxuries 
and    the    necessities    will 
take  care  of  themselves. 


(3°) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

THOSE    who    live    in   glass 
houses   should    be   polite 
to   reporters. 

"117* HEN  in  a  hurry  to  get  to 
the  poor  house,  take  the 
road  that  leads  through  the 
bucket  shop  and  passes  the  race 
track. 


(3i) 


THE      CYNIC'S 


c 


ONDENSED   milk    should 
be  used  in  a  small  flat. 


02) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

TELL  your  rich  relations 
how  fast  you  are  making 
money  —  your  poor  ones,  how 
fast  you  are  losing  it. 

TN  taking  soup  try  not  to  give 
others  the  impression  that  the 
plumbing  is  out  of  order. 


(33) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

■WMHMDIiMWiMMIIHHMHBi 

WHEN  giving  a  studio  tea, 
remember  that  there 
should  be  soft  lights  and  hard 
drinks. 


(34) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

ESCHEW  the  race- track 
and  the  roulette  table. 
Faro  is  a  squarer  game  than 
either. 

1JEWARE     of    indiscriminate 
charity.     You  will  never  get 
your  name  in  the  paper  by  giving 
a  tramp  the  price  of  a  meal. 


(35) 


THE      CYNIC'S 


B 


EFORE     marriage    the 
fashionable   tint   for   eye- 


g 


asses    is    rose 


ft 


alter    marriage 


smoked   glasses  should  be  worn. 


(36) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

IF  you  would  make  a  lifelong 
friend  of  a  man  who  lives 
in  a  hall  bedroom,  accuse  him 
of  leading  a  double  life. 

]VTO  sportsman  will  shoot  craps 
during   the   closed    season. 


(  37) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

COMPLIMENTS  paid  a 
woman  behind  her  back 
go  farthest  and  are  remembered 
longest. 


( 38) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

Avoid  having  business  re- 
„  lations  with  a  man  whose 
I.  O.  U.  is  not  as  good  as  his 
note;  but  take  his  note  by 
preference. 

TXTHEN   playing   poker,   it    is 
as    bad    form   to    wear    a 
coat  as  it  is  to  be  shy. 


(») 


THE      CYNIC'S 

THE   father  gives  the   bride 
away,  but  the  small  brother 
would  like  to. 


(40) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

IN  the  best  society  it  is  con- 
sidered snobbish  to  wear  a 
disguise  when  entertaining 
country  cousins.  Simply  take 
them  to  places  where  you  will 
not  encounter  your  friends. 

AT     the    tables    of    the    very 
wealthy,  brook    trout   have 
given  place  to  gold  fish. 


(40 


THE      CYNIC'S 

TO  get  on  in  society  a 
woman  should  cultivate 
repose  —  and  a  few  prominent 
social  leaders. 


(43 ) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

WHEN  angry  count  ten 
before  you  speak.  When 
"touched"  count  one  thousand 
before  you  lend. 

F  N   entering    a   crowded   car,  a 

lady    should    leave   the   door 

open.     It  is  quite  permissible  for 

her   to   appropriate    the   seat  of 

the  man  who  gets  up  to  close  it. 


(43) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

IF  your  friend  asks  you  to 
lend  him  your  evening 
clothes,  hide  your  toothbrush 
without  delay. 


(44) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

NEVER  leave  the  price  tag 
on   the  present,  unless  it 
is  a  very  expensive  present. 

A  T  a  formal  dinner  the  hostess 
should  see  that  raw  oyster 
forks  should  be  placed  alongside 
the  plates.  If  she  hasn't  any 
raw  oyster  forks  she  may  use 
cooked  ones. 


(«> 


THE      CYNIC'S 

YOU  should  bear  in  mind 
that  to  be  kind  to  your 
employees,  it  is  not  absolutely 
essential  that  you  kiss  the 
stenographer   every   morning. 


I  4* 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

IF  you  would  be  thought  a 
fool,  play  with  a  loaded 
pistol;  if  a  knave,  with  loaded 
dice. 

ET  the  reign  of  your  summer 
girl   be  no   longer   than  her 
bathing  suit. 


(47) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

IT  is  coarse  tor  a  divorcee  to 
refer  to  her  ex-husband  as 
the  late  Mr.  So-and-So.  She 
should  speak  of  him  as,  "My 
husband  once  removed." 


(48) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

EVERY  investor  should  have 
a  ward.  A  ward's  estate 
is  a  great  convenience  in  unload- 
ing financial  indiscretions. 

AVOID  church  fairs.      It  hurts 
less    to    be    stung    by    the 
Scoffers  than  by  the  Faithful. 


(49) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

PEOPLE  who  think  that 
newspaper  advertisements 
are  not  read  should  watch  a 
man  sitting  in  a  street  car  where 
women  are  standing. 


(5°) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

y^T  a  formal  dinner,  one 
jf"  J^,  may  serve  five  different 
wines;    but   no  indifferent  ones. 

TXT'HEN   in   the  street  with   a 
lady,  a   gentleman   should 
not   light  a   cigarette  unless   the 
lady  does. 


(so 


THE      CYNIC'S 

A  man  will  let  go  his  religion 
before  he  parts  with  his 
respectability. 


(sO 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

AN  engagement  ring  should 
not  be  passed  around  like 
"the  buck"  in  a  poker  game. 
"New  girl,  new  ring,"  is  the 
rule  in  select  society. 

T^RESSES  that  look  as  if  they 

had  set   the  wearer's  father 

back    more   than    $100     should 

always  be  referred  to  as  "  frocks." 


(.S3) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

IADIES     should      not     wear 
j(    garden     hose     except    at 
garden  parties. 


(54) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

MEN  will  lose  their  reputa- 
tions as  gay  deceivers 
when  women  are  less  willing  to 
be  deceived. 

T XfHEN  at  a  wedding  break- 
fast try  to  remember  that 
you  will  probably  have  other 
opportunities  of  drinking 
champagne. 


(55) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

REMEMBER  that  your 
wife's  wardrobe  is  the 
Bradstreet  in  which  women  look 
for  your  rating 


(56) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

ONE  of  the  joys   of  wealth 
is  the  right  to  preach  the 
virtues  of  poverty. 

AT  a  wedding  married  women 
cry    because    they've    been 
through  it  and  unmarried  women 
for  fear  they  won't. 


(57) 


THE      CYNIC'S 


i 


F    a    man's    worth    doing   at 
all,   he's  worth   doing   well. 


(58) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

WHEN    you    end    a   letter 
"  Please  Burn  This,"  post 
it  in  the  fireplace. 

"ll/HEN  you  start  out  to  "do" 
Wall  Street   buy  a   return 
ticket. 


i  59  ) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

NEVER    refer   to    your   in- 
disposition as  mal de  coeur 
when  it  is  mal  de  liqueur. 


(fo) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

CURE  your  wife  of  bargain- 
shopping  and  you  will  have 
more  money  for  bucket-shopping. 

E^NCOURAGE  your  husband 
to  go  to  his  club.  Other- 
wise, you  will  miss  a  lot  of 
gossip  that  you  can  use  in  your 
business. 


(61) 


THE      CYNIC'S 


THE  mother-in-law  joke 
was  invented  by  a  bache- 
lor. To  the  married  man  the 
mother-in-law  is  no   loke. 


J 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

IT  is  not  good  form  for  a 
young  girl  to  go  to  the 
theatre  with  a  gentleman,  un- 
accompanied by  a  chaperone. 
On  the  other  hand,  it  is  not 
good  fun  for  her  to  go  to  the 
theatre  with  a  chaperone,  un- 
accompanied by  a  gentleman. 


(63) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

NO  gentleman  will  strut 
about  his  club  with  his 
hat  on.  There  is  no  rule,  how- 
ever, against  his  having  a  jag  on. 


(64) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

WHEN  you  step  on  a  lady's 
toes  make  some  off- 
hand remark  about  her  feet  being 
too  small  to  be  seen.  This  is 
older  than  the  cave  dwellers; 
but  it  still  works. 

Tl  rHEN  organizing  a  friendly 
poker   party,   don't   invite 
friends. 


(65) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

flHHBHHHHHHHHHHHHBMHHHHHHHBHHHBHHHHHHH 

SETTLE    an    allowance    on 
your  wife  and  you'll  always 
know  where  to    borrow  money. 


(66) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

STRICT  convention  decrees 
that  if  a  young  girl  accepts 
from  a  man  any  gift  more 
valuable  than  sweets,  flowers  or 
tips  on  the  races,  she  shall  not 
mention  the  fact  to  her  mother. 


A 


corkscrew   is    not    the    only 
symbol  of  hospitality. 


(67) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

WHEN  you  catch  your 
caller  kissing  the  maid, 
remind  her  that  the  kitchen  is 
the  proper  place  to  entertain 
her  friends. 


(68) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

DON'T  forget  to  tell  her 
that  she's  "not  like  other 
girls."  It  always  works,  whether 
you  spring  it  on  the  belle  of  the 
village,  the  girl  with  a  hare  lip 
or  the  bearded  lady  at  the  circus. 


CPAGHETTI  should  be  eaten 
only  in  the  bath-tub. 


(eg) 


THE      CYNIC'S 


i 


F  you  must  have   your  hand 
held,  go  to  a  manicure. 


(70) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

THE  difference  between 
bigamy  and  divorce  is  the 
difference  between  driving  a 
double  hitch  and  driving  tandem. 

XJEVER  tell  secrets  to  women. 
If    you    must    talk    about 
them,  buy  a  megaphone. 


(71) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

DON'T  tell  a  girl  that  she 
looks  best  when  wearing 
a  veil.  She  may  not  understand 
what  you  mean. 


(72) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

TAKE  your  servants  into 
your  confidence.  You'll 
always  get  a  lot  of  interest- 
ing information  about  your 
neighbors. 

TT  is  a  mistake  to  regard  your 
linen    as    the    leopard     does 
his   spots. 


(73) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

SOME  girls  want  a  home 
wedding;  most  girls  want 
a  church  wedding;  all  girls  want 
a  wedding. 


(74) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

IF  you  use  the  same  solitaire 
for  the  second  engagement, 
don't  refer  to  it  as  killing  two 
birds  with  one  stone. 

/CULTIVATE    cheerfulness 
in  your   household;    money 
makes  the  mere  go. 


(75) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

^T  Sunday  night  bridge 
iV  parties  no  really  nice  girl 
will   cheat. 


(76) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

THE   way   to  save   doctor's 

bills   is  not  to   pay  them. 

Only   a   specialist  would    think 
of  suing  you. 

TIT  HEN  you  see  a  girl  drown- 
ing, look  before  you  leap. 


(77) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

ON  your  way  to  the  altar, 
do  not  wear  the  expres- 
sion of  a  man  Mendelssohning 
into  the  jaws  of  death.  Try  to 
look  as  if  your  salary  had  just 
been  raised. 


(78) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

DEBUTANTES     should 
never  attend  prize   fights 
unchaperoned. 

fN     paying    your    fare    always 
take   your   time.      It   annoys 
the  conductor. 


(79) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

OYSTERS   are  served  after 
cocktails,  soup  after  oysters, 
game  after  decomposition  sets  in. 


(80) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

WHEN  choosing  a  wife 
shut  your  eyes;  it's  a 
sporting  chance,  because  after 
all  your  wife  is  choosing  you. 

"^HE    man  who    buys   a  gold 
brick  hates  to  feel  lonesome. 


(81) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

THE   race  is  not  always   to 
the  swift,  though  the  smart 
set  thinks  it  is. 


(83) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

WHEN  attending  an  after- 
noon tea  or  musicale  do 
not  forget  to  leave  a  card.  The 
social  standing  of  your  hostess 
determines  whether  it  shall  be  a 
face  card  or  a  twospot. 

ID  ESIDES  leaving  a  card,  leave 
all  the  small  articles  of  value 
that   you    may  find   lying  about 
in  the  dressing  room. 


(83) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

IT  is  not  necessary  to  throw 
rice  at  a  departing  bride  and 
groom.  The  cab  is  already  full 
of  mush. 


(84) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

IN  proposing  to  a  girl  always 
refer  to  your  own  unworth- 
iness.  She  won't  believe  it  at 
the  time  nor  will  you  a  few 
years   later. 

OWEET    are     the    uses    of 
adversity    to    the   gentlemen 
who  conduct  loan  offices. 


(85) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

WHEN    matching    dollars, 
remember  that  two  heads 
are  better  than  one. 


(86) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

y^T  automobile  funerals,  the 
X"^  chauffeurs  should  be  di- 
rected to  play  the  Dead  March 
on  the  French  tooters.  The 
effect  is  very  refined. 

^\RUG  store  beauty  isn't  even 
skin-deep. 


( 87) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

DON'T  enter  into  a  gentle- 
man's agreement,  if  you're 
a  gentleman. 


(  88) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 


w 


ILD    oats    make    poor 
breakfast-food. 


TT  is  always  good  form  to  talk 
about    nausea    when    caused 
by  seasickness;    but  never  other- 
wise. 


(89) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

WHEN    your    face   is    too 
full  for  utterance  speak 
to  her  only  with  your  eyes. 


(90; 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

SHOW     kindness     to    your 
creditors,  but  not  unremit- 
ting kindness. 

OUSPECT  the  man  who  wants 
only  a   small   loan;     a  little 
touch  is  a  dangerous  thing. 


(91) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

DON'T    marry  for    money; 
but  never  let  money  stand 
between  a  girl  and  her  happiness. 


(go 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 


"CONSERVATIVE  dressers," 
\^    as   the   tailors  call   them, 
have    discarded     the    night -cap 
except  for  internal  use. 

TITHEN     in    Rome    do     the 
Romans. 


(93) 


THE      CYNIC'S 

DON'T     buy    for     your 
daughter  a  Count  that  is 
likely  to  turn  out  a  discount. 


(94) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

EAT,  drink   and   be    merry, 
for   to-morrow    you    may 
be  married, 

TT   is  not   good   form    to    con- 
gratulate  a   girl   friend  upon 
her  engagement.   Simply  remark, 
"So  you  landed  him  at  last." 


(95) 


THE,     CYNIC'S 

PAY    no    obvious    compli- 
ments.   A  beautiful  woman 
has  her  mirror. 


(96) 


RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

IF   you   can    afford   the   right 
sort   of   lawyer    you    won't 
need  any  Rules  of  Conduct. 


[the   end] 


(97) 


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Return  this  material  to  the  library 

from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


WAS  1 8  1988 


